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May 8, 2017

Congratulations 2017 Swampy Award Winners

BitterDC is proud to announce our 2017 Swampy Award Winners!

Most Likely To Nominate Themselves For An Award

“What’s wrong with being confident?” – Demi Lovato

  • Tim Young – Kindof a jerk, but he’s funnier than he is jerky, so we’re cool with him.
  • John Hlinko – The founder of Left Action, an occasional TV pundit, and the guy who nominated himself for this award.

Beltway’s Most Epic Bromance

“Many men are loved by their enemies, and hated by their friends, and are the friends of their enemies, and the enemies of their friends.” – Plato

  • Congressmen Will Hurd and Beto O’Rourke – Will Hurd is the U.S. representative for Texas’s 23rd congressional district. Beto O’Rourke is the U.S. Representative for Texas’s 16th congressional district. Together they went on 2017’s most epic road trip.
  • President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden – Barack Obama served as the 44th President of the United States from 2009 to 2017. Joe Biden was the 47th Vice President of the United States from 2009 to 2017. Their love for each is the stuff of legends.

Most Arrogant, Colorful LinkedIn Job Titles

Just look at yourself: it took you two whole weeks to perfect your LinkedIn profile, and you used all the big words you found on the Fast Company website in 2013. That’s quite a feat of mental agility. We’re so proud of you, you change-maker, you!

  • Shawn Pattison – According to Shawn Pattison’s LinkedIn Profile, he is a “Disruptor, Change Agent, Curator of Operational Excellence” at Freedom Partners Shared Services.

Most Lovable Nerds in Politics

“Use the Force, Harry.” – Gandolf

  • Lily Adams – Served as Hillary Clinton’s Iowa Communications Director and Press Secretary for Senator Tim Kaine.
  • Zuri Davis – Media writer for Rare.
  • John Brougher – Actor and filmmaker based in Los Angeles. He also serves as the Chief Operating Officer of ShareProgress, a digital consulting firm.
  • Stephen Kent – Public Relations Manager at Young Voices and the Force-sensitive host of Beltway Banthas podcast.

The Swamp Rat Award for Most Egregious Displays of Success on Social Media

You’re on a boat! And at Burning Man! And in Paris! And getting your makeup done for Fox News! And bowling at the White House! You’re such a ROCKSTAR.

  • Benny Arthur Johnson – Chief content officer at Independent Journal Review.
  • Colin Rogero – Partner at 76 Words.

Most Wonderfully Shameless Self Promoters

ICYMI Politico Playbook just wished me a happy birthday.

  • Harlan Hill – American television personality, internet entrepreneur and political consultant
  • Erick M. Sanchez – The least famous person interviewed by Jimmy Kimmel.

Most Valuable P(l)ayer Award

Why achieve real things, when you can just pay somebody to give them to you?

  • His Excellency Sergey Ivanovich Kislyak – Russian diplomat who has served as Russia’s Ambassador to the United States since 2008.

30 Over 30 Who Never Changed the World But Still Have Time  

Nobody in DC peaked in High School. We all peaked when we made one of the ten dozen “30 Under 30” Lists. And now we’re all just trying to hold on, padding our resumes with meaningless distinctions until we make partner, put our kids through school, and pay off our mortgages. Ain’t no rest for the wicked.

  1. T. Becket Adams – Commentary writer for the Washington Examiner.
  2. Mike Allen – Co-founder and executive editor of AXIOS Media and former chief political reporter for Politico.
  3. Brad Bauman – Co-Founder of and Partner at The Pastorum Group.
  4. Shannon Chatlos – Vice President at Strategic Partners & Media.
  5. Ellen Carmichael – President of The Lafayette Company.
  6. Cammie Croft – Chief Community Officer and a Managing Director at FWD.us.
  7. Chelsea Clinton – The only child of former U.S. President Bill Clinton and former U.S. Secretary of State and 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.
  8. Hillary Clinton – Served as the 67th United States Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013, U.S. Senator from New York from 2001 to 2009, First Lady of the United States from 1993 to 2001, and the Democratic Party’s nominee for President of the United States in the 2016 election.
  9. Scott Cunningham
  10. Lena Dunham – Actor
  11. Jon Favreau – Political commentator and the former Director of Speechwriting for President Barack Obama.
  12. Evan Feinberg – Executive Director of Stand Together.
  13. Karl Frisch – Executive Director of Allied Progress.
  14. Scott Goodstein – Founder and CEO of Revolution Messaging.
  15. Ilyse Hogue – President of NARAL Pro-Choice America.
  16. Jack Hunter – A radio host, political commentator and Politics Editor for Rare.us.
  17. Bud Jackson – CEO of Jackson Media Group and host of the annual Capitol Hill Karaoke
  18. Gerrit Lansing – Founder of Revv.
  19. Eli Lehrer – President of the R Street Institute.
  20. Rachel Maddow – Television host, political commentator, and author.
  21. Evan McMullin – A former CIA operations officer who ran as an independent during the 2016 United States presidential election.
  22. Louise Mensch – An English author and independent investigative journalist.
  23. Sam Nitz – Targeting & Analytics Director at EMILY’s List.
  24. Cecile Richards – President of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
  25. Christina Saull – A travel blogger, writer and photographer at My View from the Middle Seat.
  26. Ali Savino – Co-founder of the Center for Independent Media.
  27. Emily Zanotti Skyles – Politics/Culture Editor of Heat Street at Dow-Jones.
  28. Carrie Sheffield – Writer and political analyst based and the founder of the new media startup Bold.
  29. Ja’Ron Smith – Ja’Ron Smith works on urban affairs and revitalization policy at the White House.
  30. Amos Snead – Cofounder of FamousDC.

Most Adored Political Blogger/Reporter

You make us happy we work in this business, what with your columns and your wittiness on cable television and your memes. Imagine how boring our lives would be if we couldn’t Tweet at you all day?

  • Tomi Lahren – Conservative political commentator and a former television host.
  • Cenk Uygur – Co-founder of the Justice Democrats and founder of TYT Network.

All-Around Sexiest Beltway Beasts

Oh please, you’re so gorgeous. Who wouldn’t want to be you when they grow up? You look twice as good as any intern.

  • Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard – The United States Representative for Hawaii’s 2nd congressional district since 2013.
  • Senator Ben Sasse – The junior United States Senator from the state of Nebraska.
  • Lis Smith – CNN Contributor and Co-Founder of 50 State Communications.
  • Ivanka Trump – Businesswoman who also serves as the “eyes and ears” of her father, President Donald J. Trump.

Best Asshole Whisperer

The only person in the office who can look the boss right in the eyes and calm that angry beast.

  • Huma Abedin – Former vice chair of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign for President of the United States.
  • Jared Kushner – An American real estate investor and developer who also serves as senior advisor to her father-in-law, President Donald J. Trump.

Most Popular

The most enviable of all Washington, DC distinctions.

  • Tony Tomelden – Owner of The Pug on H Street.

Lifetime Achievement in Internet Trolling

One of life’s little blessing for Beltway politicos is working in such close proximity to so many talented trolls. Our jobs would frankly be tedious and redundant without the sweet snuggly murmurings of our opposition, friends, and colleagues that whatever we just said or did is un-American, un-bigly, and un-smart.

  • President Donald J. Trump – The businessman and television personality who also serves as the 45th and current President of the United States.

Breakthrough Performance in Internet Trolling

You’re not “famous-famous” yet, but you can still sit with us.

  • Shosanna Weissmann – Founder of Network Red and a contributor for One America News Network.

Most Dramatic Performance in Online Politics

Every Facebook event, office, listserv, Twitter hashtag, and bocce ball team has at least one: the person who enriches our lives by sowing discord, disharmony, and disagreement — or who just complains a lot — causing everyone else to backchannel on messenger or on a group text. You’re the reason we drink and swear. To the Beltway’s biggest drama queens: this meme’s for you.  

  • Corey Stewart – The former Virginia chairman of the presidential campaign of businessman and television personality Donald Trump. He is also the At-Large Chairman of the Board of Supervisors of Prince William County, Virginia and is a Republican candidate in the Virginia gubernatorial election, 2017.

Best Beltway Pets in the History of the Beltway Forever Times Infinity Plus One

We work hard, so they can have a better life!

  • Edwin Chapman Henry IV is the CEO in charge of all operations of everything I take work very seriously. He demands perfection and will always reward his minions with drinks and scooby snacks. He is highly educated and doesn’t really need to work, but he does for the sheer enjoyment of accounting and law.
  • Lucky Miller was born a poor black child, but rose from the ditch she was scooped from to become the most ferocious House Panther in Washington, DC. Lucky enjoys feathers, salmon, and biscuitmaking, and plays an active role in preventing feathered interlopers from approaching her window. Lucky is excited to be honored at the 2017 Swampies, and dedicates tonight to all the little kittens out there working toward their own bullshit awards.
  • Bert Germany currently serves as chief meats inspector.  
  • Ernie Germany often falls asleep on his very important job, guarding the top tower of the cat castle.
  • Jasmine Germany is a ninja princess.
  • Trucker Cat Germany is an awien visiting this planet from outer space. Because of his awien status, he’s afraid of the wall everyone is arguing about, but he also wants to halp make America great again.
  • Violet Germany was rescued from a government-funded animal experiment lab and currently advocates with White Coat Waste Project to end taxpayer funding of animal testing.
  • Pebbles Hlinko never dreamed she would one day record a number one duet with country music legend Willie Nelson.   And indeed, it never happened.  But she has gone on to be the official canine goodwill ambassador to the Georgetown neighborhood, and even beyond, on those rare occasions when her servant, John Hlinko, gets up the energy to walk more than 4 blocks. Pebbles is a King Charles spaniel, but does not consider herself a monarchist.  She enjoys bully sticks (google it if you dare), and believes there is too much strife in politics, and too many ****ing squirrels in her backyard.

The Horse Shit Award for People Who Can’t Make the Swampy Awards Party Because They’re at Gold Cup

Your award in absentia, as you are. Enjoy drinking with Swamp creatures without air conditioning and in seersucker suiting.

  • Renee Courtland
  • Jack Dusik
  • Matthew Dybwad
  • David Jaroslav*
  • Katie Johnson
  • Ariel Jaclyn Judah
  • Kirsten Krivoshia
  • Matt B. Keller**
  • Jay Nelson
  • Robert Sinners
  • Tyler Spires*
  • Rob Towner

* Designates honorees who said they would try to attend the Swampies post-Gold Cup.  

** Designates honorees attending Gold Cup in spirit.